Hello. Hello to you who is reading this. Perhaps you are a personal friend, or maybe not. Still, the rest of this post is just my heart in text. Here goes nothing.

As the year brink closer to an end, I have to admit my family is at a bad place right now. Although the mood is intended to be cheerier, with the festive lights and imposing christmas trees, it is close to nothing like that. I hate how things are right now, and the large despise is resulting in me having minimal contact with those important and close. I don’t even want to think about the next day or the following hour, because it’s unfair that we should be sitting at the bottom of a pit we have not or intended to dig. My body is feeling like shit, and I swear I will start rejecting food altogether. Youtube is keeping me alive, although I am like a living dead. 

Dinner with my mom and siblings in town just now was good. It made me altogether happier. We had a honest talk about holidays and dinner dates with my mom, and with Amos who I have not seen for the past 5 nights made me burst out in laughter, Anna included. I miss my dad, who is working so hard for us. I know all of us are bruised, and I am certain all of us are still hurting and bleeding but, being the eldest, I suppose I have to display a nonchalant facade which hurts my ego more than anything because lying to my family or myself is the most degrading thing I would want at this point of time. 

So many times I want to break down at home, but it is just uncalled for and definitely not wise to. Pushing back my studies seems like a small effort compared to what my dad has done and is doing. I want to be better, faster. 

Everytime I watch this, I tear, which gives me an excuse to cry. I hope next year, or next month will be better.

I will just go ahead with my back surgery in 2010, and do pray for my mom’s surgery in January. I suppose prayers are my best comfort right now.

I don’t really want to celebrate anything. Intoxication sounds pretty tempting, but then it will cost me more than my life, surely.

JLPT4 is approaching and i guess its the major examination for me since the SATs in May. I am trying to find time and space to make good of the notes, although the videos of the boys are mighty distracting. It’s turbulence then white flag then another rollercoaster ride again. Oh and funny thing is you can only expect of others what you do unto others. Reality bites.

Somehow I feel you’re the thin thread that binds my vein and each time you pull, I am inclined to stop beating and stop moving altogether. Under your rhythm, I find it difficult to pull away, and it is as though you were sewn through my skin and bones which makes me hesitate every time I want to cut loose.

at least we agreed on something, that we positively cannot be just friends.

jangjangjangjang. our latest starboy. (:

not the balenciaga bag I had always want (motorcycle silver hardware ftw) but this is awesome for a morning surprise.

quake

She promised beyond her own belief that she’ll make it right, and make it better. But now that her heart’s back to stone and cold, I wonder if she can find her way back to you and all your efforts. The compass always point back to the attraction point and even when the beauty fades, the passion and the sheer memory of it lingers and glows and somehow, that is sufficient. That is sufficient to make good on what she said when the bridging distance was less than a feet away, and when the night seem to go on for infinity. Perhaps you believed her half-heartedly, and maybe you wanted to trust those very words wholly, but that night you doubted and this flaw in the fragility of it all, could just break two hearts inside the looking glass.

She made things right, when you made them wrong. You were always there to break her fall. It was more of a race together, instead of a relay, though times get trying and people go against. 

Tonight, I am right here, trying to block out everything wrong, and see the good in you. But you cannot love to order, and you cannot love with half of what you had from the start. You had burnt me into fragments, and every night though I pin for you, you are just a bad habit I have to break. 

no one falls in love by choice, its by chance.
no one stays in love by chance, its by work.
and no one falls out of love by chance, its by choice.

I am only afraid that one day, like so many others, that when I wake with someone special next to me, I still see some part of you in him. I never want to compare, though I am rather certain my next, or the following would bear so many similarities to you in so many awkward yet comforting ways. He might smell like you, dress like you, look like you, act around me like you do…Although I strongly doubt there could be another person that match or come close to you.

So I am solving it, tonight; to stop putting hopes on you, to stop depending on you to fall sleep, to stop lazing in bed till you call upon, to not settle for less, to forget how good things were, to remember how bad and trying this is (and the fleeting pain I get from the consciousness that I cannot have you around), to stop the reasons from churning… I am choosing to fall out of love with you, even if it is breaking me into so many useless pieces that I am neglecting to mend.

I’m having a rough week, and I cannot say it’s getting better. What’s encouraging is having Vans around almost everyday (fully loaded with videos joy!) and family. It’s tough to learn Japanese with the huge disparity, as well as coping with the physical environment (little rest) and my financial position. What’s most trying is making good of him&I, and trying to see the best in him even though the odds are against. I figured I don’t have to prove to anyone anything (fingers crossed) though I would like to get out of this rut life and get decent rest. The comforting improvements are a new iTouch replacement, diminishing appetite, new dramas and movies, Gokusen Movie next week (Kamenashi! Haruma!), and friends.

In a bid to lose weight, spend my time more wisely (while waiting for my video loads), and to start on the dreaded-yet-eventual chores, I did house work today! I arranged the shoe racks (and I got 2 Nine West pair of shoes to sell, and 1 pair from Mango, all unworn), and washed 12 pairs of slippers after throwing out 5 worn out pairs. There are still sneakers that are to be separated into the charity and trash bins… I washed and cleaned out the service balcony. I handled rags and the broom all afternoon, super dead beat. Tomorrow there’s the DVD players and collection and sorting of the laundry. Sigh, the things I do to reward my dad when he comes back from his retreat, for his hard work to the family all these while. i think I shall sleep at 9pm. Damn tired. /Sleep walk to kame’s videos

My mood is rather erratic, an epitome of the weather of similar temper, because I am bankrupt, gaining unnecessary weight and experiencing being at the bottom of the pit. I think I am suffering from mid-life crisis.