INERTIA

expire

Ashika — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 09:31:49 +0000

Everything, from that drink in the fridge to the pastry you hate and to those friendships you make, has an expiration date. It’s tough living with some sort of looming death of a relationship (friendship) and waking up each day to count your blessings. The latter is probably a struggle if we are, like so many, taking things for granted.

I feel like I am living under a great microscope of a social experiment where I come to college for three years to make acquaintances and develop friendships to only see them all evaporate when I leave this place for good. Sure, we have the great Internet and the retro postal mail. But sometimes, all these play a secondary role when the initial step of going the extra mile is missing. I feel like I am worrying too much about the distant future but I cannot help it.

Do I have abandonment issues? Probably. But it’d be the unique (and the more likely developed) sort of me-abandoning-people-before-they-abandon-you. Have I been abandoned? Yeah, in tangible ways of a profound relationship that I still scarcely fathom to this date. Have I left someone out in the cold? In my head, yes. In measurable history, no. It’s easier to close the door on someone than to get it slammed shut before you. You get the idea. But I have been exploring the thoughts of installing revolving doors instead of those poorly hinged ones we tend to build. It takes less sleep, more effort, and a hell lot of words to make sure we don’t leave this to expiration (or decomposition. Whichever visual you prefer).

But like Oasis asked (possibly rhetorically), how many special people change?

Novocaine

Ashika — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 09:01:31 +0000

How exaggerated would it be if I told a stranger I found myself in Paris last summer? Would they be convinced that the city of lights did not dazzle and confound me, that the cigarettes and champagne did not get to me, that the accordions and the Seine were little influence…and I found myself solely on my own in the six weeks? I have a love-hate relationship with this city. I love the language and sometimes, the obnoxiousness (and the preposterous l’air). But it can’t be liked for the same few reasons. Thing is, I left a part of me in a place I don’t call home. I’m inclined to go back after I venture Japan, China, and India before 30 (7 more years. Ugh). It’s okay if you say you can’t follow.

Here I am, coughing my lungs out and listening to japanese ballads, rather agitated with a short Saturday spent on loafing. The madness of this 22-credit hours semester is about to resume. I want to quit being buried behind books to being under the constellations, leave the town every now and then for real walks, dive after the long absence…18 more months till I graduate, with more than 4 months being overseas (asia). What I’ll miss is everything the big cities can’t offer.

Shopping at keystone after a vietnamese meal has triggered me to invest in Jo Malone perfumes. But that thought process would have to be put on hold because I have to rest now for Alpha Mu Gamma initiation dinner tomorrow.

/mud/

Ashika — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 04:05:41 +0000

Dirt tracks to end the night was pretty hilarious. The Daweed-and-the-Jeep incident might forever be my trump card. He surprised me with potpie dinner after my eternal nap and we caught Underworld Awakening with the others. The ride home was eventful (I feel bad after gloating) and now, I am just real exhausted, with my aloe pack and grocery list. The weekends are too short lived and I am missing out on plenty of personal time and planning. That, and the social balance are tilted. What I want is my Blackberry battery to last for more hours in a day so I can be on my texting frenzy with those overseas. I would trade all that for a short trip together to nowhere or someplace only we know.

DC in Spring break. We’re pretty stoked about that.

I might try at growing hydrangeas. It would be at least some sort of commitment while I complete this undergraduate studies in 1.5 years more. I’m going to graduate with Masters before I am 26 and I cannot wait for my plans to take shape. Flowers versus puppy… Of course I would take the latter once I get settled. I’ll still consider the jellyfish and/or hedgehog option while I am still in US though. Like my brother would say, “take care of yourself before you kill the poor animal.” People have little faith.

burn bright

Ashika — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 03:52:08 +0000

The stars are out and me just being here pales in comparison. I want more out of life and I’m crippled by being stuck in school while the world spins on by. I have my list of goals and my practical voice. But I am also vulnerable to distractions and the like. Tough place to be, right in the middle. We only live once, but does that warrant making mistakes if the trial err?

Academic stress aside, there are better things happening. Coffee with Steven was encouraging, dinner with the girls makes my day, late night conversations and many spontaneous plans trip me up a little but I am only grateful, phone calls from SG and Shanghai makes me certain of a few things: people don’t give up on those they care for. So despite the hectic schedule, I’m going to try dinners everyday and making good on Skype dates.

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little wonder there

Ashika — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 05:36:58 +0000

+26/ the universe
We could do something right with this… make good with something out of this… how can it feel right if it seems wrong. It’s not debilitating, yet. But does it have to be? It feels wrong when it comes so easy and works out easy. It happens naturally and it’s daunting to an adverse effect. It was easy then but it’s rather effortless now. Paranoia, that’s what the nights have been. Paranoid of a good thing coming. Crystal balls duty.

On a different note, I come home after the long day(s) and barely dream anymore. I want to make summer plans in my head where they would last for infinity and the perfect weather day in and day out. Utopia only last for six hours a night though I recall nothing in the morning but a stiff back.

I spent lunar new year over fried rice and american sweet and sour chicken, and conversations. It’s different for the second year running on missing CNY, but this is just a preview of the following years to come. I made a batch of “almost” nasi goreng for Daweed today and I still am bad with estimation. If only we can have hot pot every day. Sliced beef, like Saturday’s reunion dinner with the chinese-speaking population at AU, would really be something to look forward to after an eternity of rushing between classes and meetings. I need my steak fix more than ever. I miss my dad’s oxtail soup and shepherd’s pie dish.

That, and shopping. Though I really only need jeans and shoes after contemplating on shopping for rings amongst other accessories. I believe the stores are decked in red and hearts. Dread.

I want to lay like this forever. It feels right like so many other nights over the past months. I’ll be home soon for my last trip to Singapore for a while. What about after?

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FM

Ashika — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 18:11:51 +0000

I’ve always been partial to electro-hop and when they bring in asians, I could spend the whole day watching music videos and ignoring my homework. Kev Nish (japanese x chinese) from Far East Movement reminds me so much of a badass GD.

on a similar note: my favorite few noraebang/karaoke songs from Big Bang. kPop has evolved so much since 2008 when I first started. ah.

fall pretty

Ashika — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 13:35:57 +0000

I love the snow for the layers we get to dress up in and the pretty white wash. That, and I really like to help scrap ice and brush snow off windshields during winter. We don’t get to do this in Singapore so it’s a simple pleasure. Weird +1. Cooking is almost a chore these days, but thinking back on the fast food drive through days and the freshmen 20, I better make some decent soup at least.

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Appeler un chat un chat

Ashika — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 09:30:12 +0000

What a week of battling classes, inner demons, hunger, and snow.It goes downhill after mid-week but somehow I only heave relief when Friday classes officially end. The weekend cannot come any sooner. I like this living-for-the-weekend stint only because it makes the weekdays more tolerable and encourages me to maximize the weekend with a sleep-in on Saturdays and deserving meals over conversations. It’s liberating to get out of the homework-library-sleep-routine rut for two days and maybe, this realization is triggering some premature celebration from Wednesday on; phone calls into the late, ice-cream every night, dinner with Daweed on a Thursday, making plans for the weekend… As long as it does not jeopardize my school priorities which are kind of loaded this semester. The challenge is sadistically acceptable but fighting hunger pangs… not okay. That aside, everything else is like riding the gravy-train. I like having our own standards so we’re less susceptible in a good way. So after all the feel-good and the appreciation, it’s back to reality of a 9 – 5pm Friday.

stretch

Ashika — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 12:40:50 +0000

I knew somewhere along the lines, if you feel you invested much time and emotions, you’re going to feel this much joy, contentment, and anger. The entire spectrum. You’ve got to take the bad with the good. But what if there’s more bad than good. I’ve been proven right time and time again that the scales are tipped. If this could be different… Save that thought. I just want to stay in bed and read all day. I’m just not feeling social today.

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la pluie

Ashika — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:39:39 +0000

It has been making travel plans for the year in between stacks of homework and dosing on tea. The rain doesn’t bother me till night because of the knee/bone/fracture/bahhh story of yesteryears. Daweed got me the NYC book which I saw last year at ICP in NYC. Vanessa got me the cute cup cover which I couldn’t decide on in Hong Kong. Tosha got me the aromatherapy set which has been a new ritual. Thank God for the gift of friends. The Lunar New Year is around the corner and sadly, it’s my second year missing the festivities and reunion dinners. I’m distracted with homework, work, and plans. I can only run on tea for so long.