November 10, 2013
As your words pale into the clouds of grey, it leaves a bitter taste and a crease between the brows. I don’t know how we arrive at this pit of angry words and sullen faces.
They say a committed relationship isn’t for you; a commitment is for the other person. Point taken.
Yet when we tear away the social expectations, we stare at the skeletons of our secrets–past and present–veiled by a foil of future demands. So then we question the vapid promises and lofty ambitions. We stripe down to the bare answers of circumstances. Then we ponder why the self-reproach and why the complications.
After denial and guilt–and sometimes, anger–we walk away. Because it is easier to take flight, we leave the dust of consequences swirling on barren trust. Now I see you through these iridescent lenses and I want to detach myself from where I am to be where you are. I will fight for you, but I won’t contest for you.
October 3, 2013
I remember it was your birthday this time two years ago when we were in the elevator, just us. We were always surrounded by people throughout the semesters and that was the only time, albeit brief, where we were not under scrutiny or hope. It felt like the longest elevator ride before it started with a “hi”. I thought it was a great friendship story to tell when I left the elevator that day. And it is.
I can’t remember the chronological order of the series of events after, but I don’t want to recall anything else. I’m just thankful manipulation was not on the cards. You’re not quite the douche in oversized sweaters and letters.
Happy Birthday. Stay warm.
September 24, 2013
This morning, I woke up undaunted. Although I resigned from my editorial job, I am much refreshed by the sounds of the morning rain and the idea of a good breakfast. I think this is a good lesson learnt early in the “career” path, so to speak. It is akin to playing the Game of Life and landing on defaulted salary (if there is one) and unemployment in two consecutive moves. I don’t know to deem it as unlucky, luck of the draw, or any term you sleep easy to when you’re down on your luck. But now, I feel liberated. I think the job market isn’t as drastic as it is out there, especially when you just keep trying. Let’s hope to score some interviews and complete my freelance projects before mid-October.
September 1, 2013
What is it like to struggle with an abundance of creativity in the form of inspiring friends and the proximate potential? What is it like to wake up and be excited about work and the people you’ll meet today? What is it like to know you won’t meet another face today because of your work load? What is it like to answer the 456th question on your full time job/freelance career/travel plans? What is it like to live out of a suitcase because you’ll never actually be home? What is it like to enjoy each waking minute that you try not to sleep in case you miss something? What is it like to be afraid that this phase won’t last? Honeymoons don’t last forever.
That’s the good problem, isn’t it?
The constant reliance that everything–your job, your friends, your lovers, your family, that cafe, that iCloud service you desperately want to like–evolves is comfort cling wrapped with doubt. The uncertainty of permanence (specifically: positive permanence) and clouded promises seem to grow deep roots somehow, and all the optimism in the world will expire and deflate someday.
But the buzzing creative energy is there. If it runs dry, move. Steer towards a different hub. We are nomads in our vessels, which are blessings disguised by perception. Moving doesn’t equate to leaving as how intellect isn’t determined solely by grades. After all, curiosity sparked everything. But don’t live with unanswered questions. Experience the answers somewhere somehow. It’s treacherous out there, but you wouldn’t know what’s behind the veil till you…try.
I’m encouraged for constant change without losing my bearings. The subsequent months would be a forecast of disrupted sleep patterns, serial meetings, and work travel. Little battles before the wars of distraction and distort. Sometimes, I wonder, where’d the weekends go?
August 24, 2013
That’s an apt description of my weeks passed. I’ve been working with the magazine for weeks now, and I’ve enrolled in University of Illinois’ Introduction to Sustainability MOOC course to find some direction for graduate school. Aside from that, I’m dipping back into the Japanese language classes and working freelance stints. Life’s busy, but the work-life balance has been working out really well. Staying in central Singapore helps; traveling across the island is no longer a chore.
There’s much to be excited for: work, festivals, travel, classes, social life, exercise… I’m in love with life. What I wish I could make time for is cooking, baking and/or coffee barista classes, painting sessions, massage packages, movie watching, discovering songs, dinner dates, and organizing my home office.
Since I’ve been back, family has been my top priority. They are truly the epitome of storge love. Also, my career plans are taking flight. Before I can rest on my young laurels, I have to consider furthering my education with masters in 2014. Being busy is great because the greater challenge is being excited to be awake.
2013 has been so good thus far. I’m blessed beyond measure.
August 19, 2013
It’s been six weeks since I’ve been home and it is my favorite home coming trip yet. The birthday weekend in Hong Kong was a good break before I undertook the editorial job that has since consumed my life. But I’m not complaining. I like the dinners and the weekends that ensue. My job scope is simply put: my hobby amplified. I can’t wait to share the results of effective marketing.
Besides working from home (till September), I’ve undertaken freelance opportunities not limited to writing. These weeks have been refreshing with the weekends punctuating it right.
Being home is to be used to humidity all year round. But being home is also being close to my best guys and babes. It’s alot to make time in the week, but I’m glad there’s always an option to watch soccer (marriage of interests!) and work in flexible conditions. My sleeping hours are far and few in between. But I dare say, I’m reveling in this.
Never did I think my first job out of school is my dream job (of sorts). I can pursue my masters next year, and more immediately, Japanese language lessons for certification before the academic life revives.
I’m contented to filter the who-nots and the what-ifs out of my already cluttered life. Trouble is in the distant lands and unanswered confusion.
That being said, September is going to be really great with work travel plans. Let’s see how saving goes. I just can’t pass up macarons.
July 19, 2013
I’ve been back in Singapore for 1.5 weeks now, and before I jet-set to Hong Kong for a weekend with my best girl, I have to count my blessings. I have been offered an editorial position with a new magazine and I’m ready for the challenges of a start-up and a nomadic lifestyle. It’s a fusion of my passions and experience combined, so I’m really psyched for August. I’m glad my friends who know me are excited for me. There’s so much to be excited about and to anticipate. Finally, things are looking up.
I was worried for a long time before leaving the States that I would lose contact with the friends made in America. Thank God for technology and, sometimes, time zone differences. It helps, to wake up to texts about a hard day at work, or to sleep to a sunrise. The little things are making the transition easier and better. I’m at a good place right now with my favourite people abroad and ashore/local. I cannot wait to explore every inch of this sunny island and Asia.
June 17, 2013
Daylight in the city parts. What makes you sleep easy? What is your heart restless for?
Yesterday’s stars were today’s morning lights. To wake up to a permanence is to fall asleep weightless. To float is to forget abandonment and let be. Basically hope. Simply faith.
I have weaved in and out with the notion of an anchor: making home of something or inhibiting progress?
Every time I think of the things that stop me from dreaming, I wade around and wait for signs. What’s your biggest anchor? Can we tie a scarf around it and go on a vacation in the cold nights and perfect mornings?
What I would give for coffee under the South African skies by a fire and watch the world go.
June 14, 2013
This is a perfect Friday in; The smell of cinnamon bread filling the house, the flickering of candle lights and the dancing of shadows, the stillness of the precinct, the actual warmth from the baked bread and the layers of blankets, the perfect lyrics from the Passengers, and the weekend to fall back on.
If there is a certain calmness to achieve to feel alright with the world, I am here.
It is in this state of mind that I am detached from the little nothings and the no-ones. I’m not tired from bidding time, but I am jolted, from time to time, by the eagerness of purpose and the anticipation… of hope. It is almost like there is a foil over this nesting trunk that I cannot wait to peel. If this amounts to anything, it would be the virtue of patience as a choice.
I am more nervous than afraid. I am nervous that I have to mute my identity and the limitless aspirations because of obligations, expectations, and the in-betweens. I am struggling with the ideas of starting graduate school and gaining professional experience. Sometimes it feels like they can happen simultaneously, yet it is almost like I would break at the ends and be maxed out in eagerness to prove and rise to expectations.
Yup. This is “jolted.”
The contractual offer:
9 JUL – 10 AUG: Hong Kong
10 AUG – 19 AUG: Netherlands, France, Belgium
I’ll be in Singapore in 67 days. I’ll be home.
June 11, 2013
I’m the happiest sad person (in the room).
It’s almost like my weeks after a Nashville fun have to begin with the disclaimer embedded in “sans titre” header to be read in a drawl. This would defeat the expectancy of nothingness in its entirety since my bags are packed for a new beginning in Hong Kong.
When I’m too tired to be me, I dream.
It’s easier to detach from the permanence of routines and the sad tunes you can’t stop listening to because you want to find relevance and make the songs about you. Sad.
But you resist falling asleep when reality seems brighter and bolder than the obscure dreams–real waffles are better than pantone-colored waffles. A happy kind of sad (appetite), if you will.
There’s also the chance that you are free-falling into a abyss unknown to most and feared by some. You may land on your feet, or plunge into cold waters. Either way, you’ll wish for some beacon or some buoy to make your beating heart still or your lost breath found. Either way, you are orbiting around words and gestures, and it could elevate you to be the happiest (once-)sad person. Once you sort out the chain of events, that is.
Take courage, take heart, and also take caution. Wild abandonment is, after all, folly.
June 11, 2013
Four nights of falling asleep to the stillness in the pines and the soft Tennessee moon was a blessing this summer. Waking up to warm breakfast, funny conversations, inside jokes, parquet floors, and rich interiors was the other joy of the weekend with my best girl.
Funny how a friend is someone who knows all about you, and still likes you; she’ll cook you your favorite waffles, impersonate your favorite artistes, watch your favorite shows, share her world with you. I think it was fitting to commemorate our successful food adventures and spontaneous go-tos and festival lounging with something tangible.
We also flooded our Instagram feed of our food haunts like The Marché Artisan, the Chile Burrito, Whiskey Kitchen… in East Nashville primarily. She’ll achieve big things, so we should kick back and wait for it
Patience and I. We have weaved high ideals and ambitious dreams between our lost words and found songs, and this healthy respect and admiration are keepsakes that double as rungs on a ladder for the years to come, the people we’ve yet to love, and the places we will make moments out of.
We tried tracing back to the first laughs, the first conversations in English and French, the first “hello!”… It’s hazy, but we are okay with that. Because we don’t need one good memory to string these months together. We have anticipation and hope. Pixie dust could help us Disney fans too… a little goes a long way.
I’ll see you in Singapore and anywhere else we have to be. We have forever and a day.
May 10, 2013
Take a classic book, make a good spin, hype it, and wait.
88 years later, good things come to those who anticipate.
The Great Gatsby film adaptation is timely for summer parties. In fact, the parties were notoriously familiar and foreign at the same time. The prodigal waste, money-in-your-face scenes made everything I wanted the 20s to be… and more. Of course, it looks staged. But you can never have too much Prada and Miu Miu in one room, or too many Tiffany’s on one girl. It was visually appealing and altogether reckless-themed. Under the helm of the same director as Moulin Rouge, it’s extreme, exaggerated, yet believable.
Leo was so great. The first scene where he introduced himself was true love in 16:9. His anger exploded on set in the scene in the hotel, but it was anger with gentleness, if that makes sense when you compare it to Django. PLEASE GIVE HIM AN OSCAR.
Now, I just need a Jay Gatsby who is a little obsessed and very infatuated. But we already have a less-lavish Tom from (500) Days of Summer to deal with.
10 DAYS ROAD TRIP FROM WEST – MID WEST – EAST – CANADA – MID WEST.
May 6, 2013
I want to dress like Chas in tracksuits, smoke like Margot, and live on ships like Richie. I want to be a Tenenbaum, as badly as Eli, if not more. The Royal Tenenbaums by Wes Anderson (and Owen Wilson!) is a gem. I’m glad I made time to watch it because it is probably on my top 10 list now.
The soundtrack is crazy good, along with perfect casting. I cannot imagine another Margot better than Paltrow, or a Richie more perfect than Luke Wilson; he never looked so good as he did here.
Cinematography wise, Anderson is Anderson. The shots were great, and every frame was intended and purposed. It’s a quote fest, really. I wish I can do an analysis of the movie… it’s brilliant.
I remember falling in love with The Darjeeling Limited (2007) and now, again, with The Royal Tenenbaums. Perhaps it’s the strong characterization or the sense of adventure that draws me to the film. I wasn’t too excited for Moonrise Kingdom (2012)–I know I should get stoned for this. Grand Budapest Hotel (2014) is going to be so great, I cannot wait. I cannot wait to fall in love with a film, its soundtrack, the cast… I cannot wait to devour the movie in parts and as a whole.
It’s a Wes Anderson film week. Appropriate for graduation.
May 6, 2013
It’s the times when you tear away from chaos and confusion that you need words (or gestures) the most. I have two of the best cheerleaders I need in the unlikely places; quick witted and unrelenting with tough love. I am blessed because of them, both F and Z. They are dependable despite the statuses and distance. This is worth everything. This is better than the boys that hang around and the pseudo care and the half-truths.
May 1, 2013
I don’t know if I see you too differently from what others see, or if you treat me different–special different. I wish they can see you the same way I see you. I wish they understand it all when they look at our photo that I never posted. Because if they did, then I don’t have to bury this light.
It’s almost graduation. I’ve been ready three years ago.
April 30, 2013
To wake up to you is to know that I missed you and I will miss you all over again. I’ve debated if its the idea of you or, just, you. But I like this rocking between the unknowns, because honestly, what makes you sleep easier? Floating is nice…so nice. We’re practically an island. And that’s fine. We’ll have summer in the bay. It’ll be one for the books. Right now, we’ll fight our own battles with academia first. Then we’ll battle jet lag. But at least, we’ll be in the same time zone again.
April 20, 2013
Dawes probably captured every right idea of the wrong kind of situations. I struggle with the idea or the concept of things more than the person involved, mostly. After all, how many special people change? As we inch closer towards graduation, I grow increasingly afraid… of the future and of the present.
What am I doing?
It’s not the equivalent of “what will I be doing” since the unknown future is half of fear, and half of anticipation. It is the current assessment of things happening. The understanding after the scrutiny is eating at me and I can’t do anything except to try not to spiral. It’s easy not to control or try. But it’s not easy to just stop caring. So I subject myself to music and words and oblivious charms.
On a better note, I caught Place Beyond The Pines with Patience. It’s everything… soundtrack (http://open.spotify.com/album/0IB82FOYCZl4I9AlafRFAZ) and credits’ type face. We are cinephiles–more she than me–so we embraced every detail we could and left the cinema feeling better than when we first entered. Ryan Gosling and Dean Dehaan aside… Now, for Leo in The Great Gatsby.
April 11, 2013
It’s funny how things run its course. Depleted and defeated, and there’s nothing left to love. The stars are dying. They don’t shine as bright anymore. So fade along.
He can hold her. She’ll hold him. It’s the two less-loved together that makes this the next best thing after a walk after dinner. Wrong person at the right time is a beautiful disaster. But they’ll take it, cracks and all. What else is there to seize if all has ceased? The world still spins madly on.