The stars are out and me just being here pales in comparison. I want more out of life and I’m crippled by being stuck in school while the world spins on by. I have my list of goals and my practical voice. But I am also vulnerable to distractions and the like. Tough place to be, right in the middle. We only live once, but does that warrant making mistakes if the trial err?
Academic stress aside, there are better things happening. Coffee with Steven was encouraging, dinner with the girls makes my day, late night conversations and many spontaneous plans trip me up a little but I am only grateful, phone calls from SG and Shanghai makes me certain of a few things: people don’t give up on those they care for. So despite the hectic schedule, I’m going to try dinners everyday and making good on Skype dates.
+26/ the universe
We could do something right with this… make good with something out of this… how can it feel right if it seems wrong. It’s not debilitating, yet. But does it have to be? It feels wrong when it comes so easy and works out easy. It happens naturally and it’s daunting to an adverse effect. It was easy then but it’s rather effortless now. Paranoia, that’s what the nights have been. Paranoid of a good thing coming. Crystal balls duty.
On a different note, I come home after the long day(s) and barely dream anymore. I want to make summer plans in my head where they would last for infinity and the perfect weather day in and day out. Utopia only last for six hours a night though I recall nothing in the morning but a stiff back.
I spent lunar new year over fried rice and american sweet and sour chicken, and conversations. It’s different for the second year running on missing CNY, but this is just a preview of the following years to come. I made a batch of “almost” nasi goreng for Daweed today and I still am bad with estimation. If only we can have hot pot every day. Sliced beef, like Saturday’s reunion dinner with the chinese-speaking population at AU, would really be something to look forward to after an eternity of rushing between classes and meetings. I need my steak fix more than ever. I miss my dad’s oxtail soup and shepherd’s pie dish.
That, and shopping. Though I really only need jeans and shoes after contemplating on shopping for rings amongst other accessories. I believe the stores are decked in red and hearts. Dread.
I want to lay like this forever. It feels right like so many other nights over the past months. I’ll be home soon for my last trip to Singapore for a while. What about after?
I’ve always been partial to electro-hop and when they bring in asians, I could spend the whole day watching music videos and ignoring my homework. Kev Nish (japanese x chinese) from Far East Movement reminds me so much of a badass GD.
on a similar note: my favorite few noraebang/karaoke songs from Big Bang. kPop has evolved so much since 2008 when I first started. ah.
I love the snow for the layers we get to dress up in and the pretty white wash. That, and I really like to help scrap ice and brush snow off windshields during winter. We don’t get to do this in Singapore so it’s a simple pleasure. Weird +1. Cooking is almost a chore these days, but thinking back on the fast food drive through days and the freshmen 20, I better make some decent soup at least.
What a week of battling classes, inner demons, hunger, and snow.It goes downhill after mid-week but somehow I only heave relief when Friday classes officially end. The weekend cannot come any sooner. I like this living-for-the-weekend stint only because it makes the weekdays more tolerable and encourages me to maximize the weekend with a sleep-in on Saturdays and deserving meals over conversations. It’s liberating to get out of the homework-library-sleep-routine rut for two days and maybe, this realization is triggering some premature celebration from Wednesday on; phone calls into the late, ice-cream every night, dinner with Daweed on a Thursday, making plans for the weekend… As long as it does not jeopardize my school priorities which are kind of loaded this semester. The challenge is sadistically acceptable but fighting hunger pangs… not okay. That aside, everything else is like riding the gravy-train. I like having our own standards so we’re less susceptible in a good way. So after all the feel-good and the appreciation, it’s back to reality of a 9 – 5pm Friday.
I knew somewhere along the lines, if you feel you invested much time and emotions, you’re going to feel this much joy, contentment, and anger. The entire spectrum. You’ve got to take the bad with the good. But what if there’s more bad than good. I’ve been proven right time and time again that the scales are tipped. If this could be different… Save that thought. I just want to stay in bed and read all day. I’m just not feeling social today.
It has been making travel plans for the year in between stacks of homework and dosing on tea. The rain doesn’t bother me till night because of the knee/bone/fracture/bahhh story of yesteryears. Daweed got me the NYC book which I saw last year at ICP in NYC. Vanessa got me the cute cup cover which I couldn’t decide on in Hong Kong. Tosha got me the aromatherapy set which has been a new ritual. Thank God for the gift of friends. The Lunar New Year is around the corner and sadly, it’s my second year missing the festivities and reunion dinners. I’m distracted with homework, work, and plans. I can only run on tea for so long.
29-hour flight // Houston airport love/hate // food santa // pineapple tarts // steamed rice // basketball match // 22 hours of class // 14 hours of work // stay in Friday night // Snatch // spring clean // catching up on missed series // unpacking // homework // bumming // brunch // international phone calls // travel plans // internship confirmation // Whatsapp 2 hours marathon // snow //
Brunch at Panera with Uncle Alvin was good. This is probably why I am reminded time and again, family is my priority. I do not mind living/working anywhere as long as I can get access to my family. 5AM Skype calls and texts do not cut it sometimes. I hate how I cannot see Anna grow up, or preparing breakfast for Amos every morning before his work shift… I guess I have to be grateful that we don’t grow apart.
There are so many people I want to meet over coffee or cake (or ice cream) but it is difficult to make time. And it gets tough when you make priorities and plans fail. I can only bury myself in the french books for so long so thank God for people who come over to the house.
You can always change your mind if nothing is set in stone. This applies everything trivial and serious and in between. But what if you don’t (think you) need an exit route? My summer is still a blank.
After a month of insane meet-ups back to back at Orchard Road (my fav place in SG) and the heartland areas, I’m glad to be back in the States where I can dress in layers and have everyone real close. I can’t get my favorite steamed fish or soups till June but I’m going to miss my family most. I’m fighting this jet lag after 37 hours at airports and on the plane. One more day till my hell semester and I’m nursing a sore eye :/ I have pineapple tarts and plenty of clothes to tide me through this winter/spring before korea and sg.
The send offs come in waves and after Joshua’s departure this evening, it’ll be my bittersweet flight before ZX’s Europe trip. Thank God for the sole airport in tiny Singapore that it doesn’t take more than 45 minutes there. My bags are almost packed thanks to him but no thanks to the miserable set of clothes I brought that I unpacked a little of his morning feat. I like how he’ll always be a neighbor-figure, like when we first met. And always available.
I’ll be back in June. I’m slightly apprehensive of a few certain things but I’m going to chuck these thoughts aside for now. Seoul in May for a good three weeks might cost abit which means frugal living and working more than usual.
The last night of farewell dinners with the girls over sushi and the guys over fried supper food in malaysia. Good times before my craziest semester yet. Hello world at 5am every day. Texting will tide me through.
Spring Break/March: Chicago
May: Singapore
June: Singapore
July: Singapore & Taiwan
August: S KOREA and New York City
Fall Break: Chicago/DC?
Thanksgiving break/November: Las Vegas?
December: Chicago or London or NYC
Plenty of Singaporeans coming US this year for exchange/vacation. I’m stoked!
This is the only way I know of to stay distracted.
I relocated thrice before I was 9 and attended three primary schools (6 years education) and many churches. The best few are the ones I met after I moved to the north (previously east) and still, after 11 years, we laugh, joke, tease, and talk about the yesteryears, and make up for lost time. The impromptu meet up over coffee was a good idea (on my part). You always need some people to keep you grounded and laugh about the simple days. I always laugh till I tear with these guys and its amazing how we get that rapport of sorts despite the years. I miss ziwei but I’ll see her in June. It only gets better in time.
A game of roulette. That’s what this feels like. It should get better but right now the vicious cycle is throwing fatigue and all sorts of irrational thinking under the bus. It doesn’t feel right. Probably too much is invested, or not enough at all, since there isn’t the blinding pain or raw wounds, yet. The numbing is all we get tonight. It gets easier to leave for someplace else familiar tonight and it might just go downhill from here. I don’t know where home is for you anymore. And it pains me to hear you say it. What’s familiar is fuzzy and what could be solace just isn’t within reach. The month of chasing tails ends with slamming into pavements and useless chatter turns into vapour. Surely this is reading too much into the nightmare episodes of late. So this is me reeling everything in and going into auto-pilot mode to my second home a few thousand miles away. I hope you can find me in the things you do or places you work at, be it in Dubai or Shanghai, because I really do find you in the best places. And I find you in myself. I just thought you should know before we spiral out of control for the umpteenth time. Maybe it takes just one outsider to lodge us out of this unhealthy rut we have been stuck in since 2009. And it has to be me letting us go, this weird friendship/relationship and all. I can’t keep you just for myself. Before, I could see that unconditional care has always been what you can offer. Now, you need to save it for yourself. I know you hope the same for me since we first met. I can see it in your eyes and your hands. It’s really unfortunate that my heart hasn’t settled. I want you to have better. You deserve it. I’m not good enough.
There, I said it.
Departures do things to people. But at the back of our minds, we can never really say a final goodbye.
Almost 10 years. We spent the eve’s eve at the hotel prior to Zouk, and the eve/countdown at KG’s house over steamboat, presents, poker, and good times. I’m glad that the guys are doing exchanges and exploring ventures. What I would give to have them in the very same time zone, to say the least. Last week here and one more malaysia trip to go.
Hong Kong in 4 days. Dim sum / shopping / Cantonese-Mandarin-English juggle / desserts / fashionable people / MTR rides / cool weather / ferry … It was a good trip to end off the year.
